Zwengle

Greeting, humanoids (or whatever life form is currently the primary species of this planet)! My Name is Ambassador Zwengle Zan Zecrozian, my online aliases is simply “Zwengle”, or maybe in a rare case when I go insane again (It’s happened before, about 16 788 times to be exact), my other name would be “Kamikaze Kazu”. I am considered by others to be a “giant alien with weird engravings”. I have the ability to remember events that I never witnessed, or even realised. I have invented over 10 000 pocket-sized electronics that could almost serve every non-practical purpose on earth. I am ranked #1 Pugilist in over 14 universes. I have on several occasions, visited the 48th dimension (Filed as Univ_G8999_30003929 in the Multiversal Archaic Library, or the M.A.L.), which happens to be dominated by a species of intelligent giraffe-like organisms. My logic is unquestionable, for anyone wishing to question it would first have to spend countless centuries trying to comprehend the words spoken from my mouth, (metaphorically speaking, I do not actually have a mouth…) and I am aware that your weak species does not live that long. I have on more than one occasion devoured a human infant, without regretting the act, and I can bake one hell of a good Carrot Cake. I can explode at will, puncture others with my sharp and pointy tentacles I keep concealed within my back, and I possess the ability to see through all living things. I dislike all forms of religious practice that glorify, worship or promote belief in a higher power. For your own safety, and for the highest possible chance of maintaining a sentient existence once experiencing my presence, keep your fairytale thoughts to yourself. I don’t want to have to end this universe, my regime does not call for such an act for another 14 211 years. I have worked only 3 jobs in my 7 billion year lifetime, 2 in this universe, and 1 in what I’ll call the “Giraffe world”, or to make it easy for you: Pastry Chef (needless to say, of course), Galactic Ambassador of the Zwilos Galaxy, and Usher to the fabulous Royal “Giraffe” Wedding. I dwell in a secret laboratory, which is hidden almost 76 000ft. below the ocean surface. Don’t come down here looking for it, for it is not hidden extremely well… and I do not care for Jehovah’s Witnesses (I swear to my 57 Gods I will devour you; if you so much as slip a leaflet through my letterbox), thank you very much! I occasionally vacation in my luxury cottage in the countryside of Scotland. The view of the mountains here is quite lovely, if I do say so myself.